Of Dreams and Longings

I never met Jesus in person. But once, I knew what He was like.

When I woke up, I sensed I had just entered one of the saddest mornings of my life. For with the waking, a deep understanding left and a longing entered. My attempt of trying to recall will not be sufficient. Longings are not expressed with words. They are expressed with what is not, with silence, a void. Words, either spoken or written, do little good to express that which is not. However, in this deep longing something equally powerful is born. Here, in the void of unfulfilled desires, in the longing for love, hope falls into the soil of our dry hearts. There it grows, watered by faith, until the day Love is finally revealed in His fullest.

In my dream I was walking through the corridors of a large house. Rooms spread on each side. Each room held something which tried to draw me in. There were representations of my life, reminders of everything important to me – my husband, my children, my work, friends, and church. I slowly passed these rooms peeking into each one of them – never entering.

Then, I came to the last room.

A man sat sideways near the doorway with his legs crossed. When he saw me, he grabbed my attention with his eyes. His gaze was warm. I have no recollection of what he looked like. I only remember his eyes. I was captivated by his warm demeanor, reflected in his intent look. I wanted to keep walking but his kindness pulled me. Still looking at me, he slowly uncrossed his legs, got up, and walked out of the room into the hallway toward me.

As he approached, it was as if I became completely visible. Everything about me felt exposed. I could not speak, for he already knew everything I was going to say.  I tried looking away, despairing of the sickness I was feeling about myself. Anything I could have uttered, would only have been a vague reflection of what he already saw. I knew he was familiar with all of me. He enveloped me with an indescribable and awful intimacy. I felt as if I was made of glass. Memories of hurt and betrayal I had caused in the past, lies I had told, the times I cheated, all flooded to mind. The shame and fear became almost unbearable. I wanted to hide but couldn’t, run away but was arrested. I was drawn to him more than my fear could keep me from him. I saw it in his eyes; he wanted me to be there. I felt his desire for my presence, even though he was able to see me completely.

Suddenly, my shame melted altogether away and was replaced by a sense of a love which I cannot describe in its fullest.

I was known and knew he loved me despite. Forgiven. The One who held such love looked past all my failures.

Contentment and inexpressible, silent joy washed over me. Never in my life had I felt this kind of peace, nor am I able to compare it to any desire I ever had. It was a mixture of a perfect father’s love, a brother’s love, a love for and to a child, a love made of a million loves, a unity, a fellowship. I knew instantly, this was not a love of earth. But I knew, I had been created to know and experience it.

Then, at the moment of deepest awareness, this fellowship and nearness, I sensed my surroundings coming back into focus. I felt the bedding around me. Noticed the dark walls of the room coming into focus and saw the small amount of light peeking through the window. I tried to ignore it and get back to Love. But, as water pouring from a pitcher into sand, being soaked into the ground, so this love left my soul. Like the opposite of a nightmare, I tried to recall the details. To no avail. The harder I tried, the more I was aware I had been dreaming.

            “Come, see a man who told me all that I ever did. Can this be the Christ?” John 4:29

Last night I was watching the sunset in my bedroom. The longer I watched, the more the dark replaced the light outside, the clearer my room came into focus in the reflection of the window. I pray that the Light inside of us shows more and more as the darkness increases.

~~~

(Essay and photos, Heidi Viars, 2021)



19 Comments »

  1. Such vibrant imagery, Heidi. Yes, there is this void that cannot be filled until we are in His presence and we will always be restless for it during this lifetime! It sounds like you experienced complete fulfillment of His love. How magnificent!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. How wonderful for you, Heidi. Along with all the teachable moments in the dream given you, the most beautiful is the fact this was birthed out if your subconscious mind. A lovely thought, this scene kicked-in from the depths of Heidi. God’s grip – Alan

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Sublime writing, Heidi. You drew us into that hallway, into that holy experience with you. Thank you for sharing with us such intimate moments with Jesus, giving us foretaste of the divine Love we will all experience one day–soon(?).

    Liked by 1 person

    • You know Nancy, I struggled so much sharing this here… I think those are such intimate moments when His Spirit (who lives in us) brings us to an eternal truth out side of us. How much easier it is to hear the enemy of our soul. Those accusations and condemnations are often so clear to me. Yet, I doubt when the Lord speaks His kindness over me. I am still a work in progress and agree with Paul, “Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own.” Philippians 3:12

      Like

  4. No words! To experience Jesus thoroughly knowing me (terrifying) while being thoroughly loved is something out of this world! I want to know and experience Jesus that way.
    Thank you for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Amazing beyond words isn’t it? I too have experienced that being allowed into His presence and everything you stated, I was aware of in a nanosecond, God’s Holiness (beyond description), my sinfulness (also beyond what I could imagine) and the absolute overpowering love of God that totally defies all description (that I never wanted to leave). Different yet the same. I have no words to explain or reason why, nor do I want to. Just grateful and thankful and like Gary says, many times I have prayed that others could also experience this reality in some way, shape or form. That is what home is like and so many questions I had were instantly answered. Thank you for sharing this Heidi, praying that others will have this reality to share too. Blessings!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Beyond words is right. I struggled to share it because it is nearly impossible to speak of such things which we cannot find a place for on earth. I didn’t want to come across as one who chases experiences. I don’t love God for the experience, the warm and fuzzy He gives me, but for who He is. I look forward to the day, when all our longings here on earth are fulfilled in Jesus. When I get to see Him and fall on my face in worship.Thanks for reading and commenting, Bruce.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. You penetrated and captured the soul of it Heidi. What a dream yet maybe wasn’t. I have known the reality and also the void and longing for the presence (and aftermath) of Christ. This is what I pray for others to experience in some way, shape or form.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Gary, this is my prayer, too… that somehow, in some shape or form, I might be a tiniest reflection of His love … so others can get glimpses of Heaven here. Thanks for reading and commenting, brother.

      Liked by 1 person

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